Sunday, January 31, 2010

It's time to be different.

I'm a slacker when it comes to updating this thing, as you can see. What can I say, life gets in the way. But every now and then, I've gotta take a breather and let myself just write, or type things out. And who knows, somebody might actually care to know what's going on with me. *gasp* :) Day-to-day life for me mostly consists of working, since I picked up my second job back in October. I get pretty exhausted sometimes, but I still see it as a good thing. I'm grateful to have both of my jobs, some people don't have a job at all, or a roof over their head.. etc. I'm glad that I'm able to take care of myself and still maintain my independence through the rocky patches I've hit in the past year. If that means exhaustion, so be it. I'm still happy.

At this time last year, shit really hit the fan for me. Within a span of 3 days or so, my mom was arrested, I lost my job, and someone beat my car up pretty badly. I kept on truckin' though. I was able to focus on school, and I made 100+ in all of my classes except one, passed that one with a C. I wrote some of my best papers for school that semester. I moved into my own place, all of that good stuff. I took on the responsibility of having my mom come and live with me, which was pretty rough for me. We don't see eye to eye very often, so we had some pretty bad days. All in all, I think I did the right thing though. I feel like everything I did was taken for granted, which is what caused the problems, but I see it a little more clearly now. Sometimes people don't know how to show appreciation, because it wasn't ever shown to them. I'm somewhat the same way, I get it. I was denied for financial aid, so I enrolled in one class because my grandparents gave me money to cover one class. Well, I had to drop out because the text book I needed was more than I had in my bank account at the time. So, I had to withdraw from college. I had to use the money I got back to pay bills so I could have a roof over my head. I was in & out of 2 different relationships in 09, both ending pretty roughly. One of them was married, and had lied about being in the process of divorce, and the other randomly calls to say hey, I don't have any feelings for you, nice knowing you, etc. Once again, not being a downer about it, I'm glad that it happened. I'm a firm believer in the fact that things happen for a reason. I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't go through everything I've been through, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job.

On a lighter note - I met an amazing human being in November of 09. We decided to meet on a whim, and I can't really put all of that into words. So that should say a lot, lol. It's been a mind-boggling whirlwind of AWESOME. That's the best way I can put it.

I also took a really close look at myself towards the end of the year, and here in the past few weeks. I felt something eating at me but couldn't really put my finger on what it was. Oh - that's right - EATING. From september-decemberish.. I was doing a lot of stress-induced eating. Basically, other things were bothering me, and I was covering it up in that way. It's pretty common, I think a lot of people do it without realizing. I have always been kind of down on myself, I never really was taught to value myself or anything like that. And dealing with the kind of stuff I had to deal with growing up, pretty much smashed any self-worth that I had. As a kid, I always felt like I did something wrong, etc, blamed myself for a lot of things. And I have still been doing that in the past few years. It's a bad habit that I've had to "unlearn." Anyway, I decided that I was gonna take control of it. I've started doing the Jillian Michaels' 30 day shred, and it's been awesome. I'm only 10 days in, but the jeans are fitting a little better already, my arms and legs are stronger, and I feel great every time I finish a workout. I've been called every name in the book when it comes to how I look, but I don't care anymore. I am who I am, and I'm doing everything I can to be the best possible "me" that I can be. I'm learning how to give myself a little more credit for everything I do. There's nothing wrong with being proud of yourself, I see that now. I am more proud of myself, and feel better about myself right now than I ever have. I'm eating better, working out every day, I'm sleeping like a ROCK, and I'm just pretty breezy in dealing with life. I'm just handling it, and I love it. This is who I always wanted to be, and I'm doing it. I've got the best people in my life, and that helps a great deal, too.

I guess basically the point of this was to reflect on what all has happened in the past year or so, it helps me to see the progress I've made. I'm proud of where I'm at now. Things aren't perfect, and they won't ever be.. I accept that. But I'm willing to push through everything and keep my head up, and that's the most important thing. That's what seperates the strong from the weak, ya know? Never have I been and never will I be a weak person, it's mind over matter. It's a new year, a new perspective, a new life, a new me. I'm done rambling. :)

Love yall.