Monday, April 13, 2009

La di da..

So I went and visited my mom on friday, and she had gotten a few letters from the people who sent them to me already. I asked her if she liked it & she said it made her cry to see that people that don't even know her were reaching out to her. I'm the same way, all of the people who have been commenting on these personal blogs & giving me some encouragement have really helped. It makes me emotional, too to see people reach out to me when I'm basically a stranger to them. I've been pondering the idea of going and talking to a counselor, but I can't really afford it right now. I may be able to see if I can get in somewhere, some places offer a program that allows people who don't have jobs to still get help. I actually worked up the courage back in Jan. of 2007 to call and tell our mental health center that I needed to talk to someone, and had the appointment scheduled and everything. I was shaking in my boots when I got there because the idea scares me. Kinda silly since I'm going to school to eventually be a counselor. But talking about my problems face to face with someone is hard for me because I tend to get emotional and then I feel silly. But I got there, and signed in, and they told me that they didn't take the insurance that I had. It would be $90 for the first visit and $60 for visits after that. I was making about 6.00 and hour at the time, so that was pretty much out of the question. So I basically wrote off the idea of talking to someone since then. And I have had friends over the years that I felt like I could talk to, but it seems like they're not there when I need them, only when they need me. And with as much as I've been going through, I think it's a lot for one person to hear & process all of it. I can't process half of it myself. It really is like a bad dream sometimes, because I want to have some sense of control over everything, and I feel like I have none. i want to help people, but I have to realize that their problems are just that, their problems. I cannot fix someone who doesn't want to fix themselves. I think that's the hardest part of it for me. Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling here, so I'll hush now. :)