Sunday, April 5, 2009

When it rains, it pours.

Well, it's been a little while since I've blogged anything here. But believe me, that doesn't mean nothing has been going on. Quite a bit has been going on, actually. On the 23rd I moved into my apartment, and I've been working on getting it all set up and comfortable. I'm starting to feel pretty settled into it. I wish everything else was that simple right now, but it's not. I'm having a hard time making the smallest decisions lately. I went out to eat with my boyfriend last night and I started feeling a lot of anxiety all of the sudden. I've been getting dizzy lately, and I'm wondering if it's just stress. It feels like everything is just building and building, and I'm here waiting for it to all fall down on me. I feel so many emotions inside of me dying to get out, but when I open my mouth to talk about it - nothing. I can't put anything into words. Tonight is another night where I haven't talked to my boyfriend in about 5 hours, don't know where he is or anything. I feel like he could at least let me know where he's going, so that I don't sit here and worry or think the wrong things. He knows me, and knows everything I'm dealing with emotionally right now, I don't know why he'd want to make that any worse on me. I don't feel like I can handle much more of it. Sometimes when I go and see my mom, she holds herself together and we just talk like nothing's wrong. Then other times, her anxiety and her fears are getting to her, and she breaks down and cries. And I'm sitting there, looking at her through glass, I can't even reach over and give her a hug, and that's all I want to do. Then in my mind I realize it could be many years before I get to hug her. And my mind goes back to the week before she was arrested, she was staying with me. It was really the first time in a long time that I got to spend time like that with her. We stayed up some nights, watching tv and just having fun together. I was 10 the last time I lived with my mom, and I feel like I've missed out on so much. But all of that runs through my head when I'm sitting there talking to her, talking into those static-y phones, my tears running down it. It makes me realize how much I've taken for granted, and how much I miss her. I've watched mental illness and alcoholism change her into somebody that I know she's not. That has been so hard. It probably plays a part into why I'm studying to be a psychologist, I want to help people with problems like that. Because maybe then I can save somebody else's kids from going through the kind of heartache I've been going through. It's hard for me to open up and write about all of this, but I feel like I need to. I can't keep it inside, and there's nobody here to talk to. Sometimes just writing it out takes some of the pain of it away.

If anyone here would be interested in writing my mom a letter of encouragement, either comment me here or send me an email, I've gotten several people to help with it already, and I think it'll mean a lot to her to see that people care. Just a prayer, or a few words of wisdom. I'm taking emails or if you wanna do snail mail, that works, too. I've blasted this idea on my Twitter so most of you have probably seen it already, just thought I'd throw it out there.

Thanks for listening.


Nissa Nicole said...

Hey Holly,

I know you and I are merely twitter friends, but reading this post made me feel so sad, because I know where you're coming from. Thankfully my Mom is not incarcerated, but the alcoholism and mental disease - I can go there. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all this pain, just as your starting your life.

You seem like such a creative, caring and ambitious young person. Don't let this get you down too much. Inevitably, people come and go in our lives. There's so many people out in the world - so many things to do and see - find others who want to take those journeys with you.

Your mom is so very lucky to have you as such a support system in her life. She's made these decisions, but she has the chance to make a change for the better. But remember - and I say this because I have to remind myself too - she has to work and make those decisions for herself. Don't take the weight of her choices on your own back.

I just keep're so young...and in SUCH a similar place as I was a few years ago (when I was your age). It's hard. But keep looking for the positive.

Take care of yourself!


Casual Cottage said...

Hi Holly,

You are such a sweet, creative soul and it's such a shame that you have had so much to deal with at such a young age. Just try to focus on "your" needs, your schooling, work and creative hands. It really is try to change the things you can and those that you can' have to let go. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but let Him take the weight off your shoulders for those things you have no power to change.

If you need a "grandma" to talk to, I'm here.

Prayers said for you and your mom.

Organic Meatbag said...

That is rough...hope things get better for you...

kim* said...

aw that is so awesome to move to an apartment :) going to your full time activities too

Queen Lindsay said...

Hey Girl! I'm so glad you finally got the chance to write. I'm so sorry you are battling some things. I can not imagine what you are going through especially with your mother. I battle anxiety so I know how tough it can be. If you ever need someone to talk to just email me. I'd hate for you to think that you can't talk to anyone. I certainly don't mind and I'm a great listener!! I hope you start feeling better and congrats on your new apartment!

Samantha said...

We've never met, but I know very well what it's like to feel like life has given you more than you can handle from an early age.

What you describe in the first part of your post sounds very like an anxiety attack to me, if you haven't found anything that helps with these, Bach's Rescue Remedy has helped me a lot over the years.

I'll be happy to write your mother and tell her about what a sweet and sensitive sounding daughter she has, I imagine she's quite proud of you. If you'd ever like to talk, feel free to contact me, I know we don't know each other but sometimes that helps.

Mike said...

Hey, I wish I would have seen this one sooner. Offer still open for letters for your Mom? Lemme know please.

The reason I do everything that I do, my dispatching, my storm chasing, just everything, is because I want to help people too.

Fill me in on the progress of this. I had no idea.