Tuesday, May 12, 2009

It's been almost a month.

well it's been almost a month since I've blogged, as you can see. Actually, tomorrow will be a month since my last post. Tomorrow is my mom's court date, and I'm nervous as hell. I'm just hoping and praying that no matter what happens, I can be strong. I always felt like I was the strong one of the bunch, but it's a little bit of a different story behind closed doors. I tend to come off as handling things well to other people, but it all really bothers me when I'm alone. And I'm alone a lot of the time lately. I hate being negative so much on my blog, but I feel like this is really the only place I have to talk about all of this. I don't have anyone here that I can talk to. I used to be able to talk to my boyfriend about things, he's been like my best friend for about a year, but I can't talk to him when he's never here. I sit at home by myself a lot. Still trying to find a job, still trying to be positive and not worry about the things I can't change. I figured things would become easier bit by bit, day by day, but it feels like the oppositte is happening. It feels like all of these negative feelings are just compounding on my heart, and that I can't shake these feelings no matter what I do. I really hate the way that things are right now. I hate that I have let myself get to this point, where I feel as low as I do about myself. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, but I feel like it's flickering out. I've got a hard day coming tomorrow, and I'm terrified. And now I'm crying as I write this...

I'm trying so hard to get to the core of myself, to find the strength that I once had, and to be tough. But I am so scared, and feeling so hopeless, that I can't hide it anymore. I'm ready to tell my boyfriend to hit the highway, but I know what that will do to me. I just feel like I'm on the back burner in his life, still. We've been going days without seeing each other, and we never used to do that. I told him he could stay with me when I got my own place, and he seemed excited about the idea, but he's not here. I left a closet empty for him in my room, I gave him a key, but he hasn't moved in here. He had talked before I moved like he would help me with my bills and everything, but he's not. I never want a man to take care of me, but in a way I resent him for going back on his word. I resent him for putting me on the back burner, and for not being here for me right now, when I really need someone most of all. After all the time I sacrificed to be there for him, he can't seem to do the same for me. It really does hurt.

I guess right now I'm just afraid of the uncertainty I'm facing. I feel like I have no idea where my life is going, and I'm just scared of the outcome of everything. I sleep way too much now, and I think I do it just so I don't have to be awake and sit here and feel like this. I know this is all depressing but it's me, and it's how I'm feeling. If I didn't write it out somewhere, I'd hold it all in until I just explode, which I feel like I'm about to do anyways. So I will quit rambling now.

2 comments:

fashiongreentbags.etsy.com said...

I'm so sorry you're so down. It's difficult when things are so bad and one problem piles on another.

It's been 3 years and I'm still recovering from my PTSD and every day seems to get a bit better in some way. Get professional help. You deserve it!

Mike said...

I read this, and i just took everything in. And I wanted to make this long and elaborate, I'm still here at work. Here's the summarized version.

I truly hope you don't get to this state ever again. And even though I'm not right there next to you, you know that you can talk to me about anything, at anytime, okay? =]

With me at least a little bit on the edges of your life, you have no reason to be depressed or explode anymore, okay?

That's all for now.