Another personal post.

Talking, or Blogging about things going on lately is helping me out more than I thought it would. I used to write all the time several years ago, in journals and diaries. I forgot how good it feels to get things out in the open so they're not bottled up inside. I'm having some issues that I don't really understand at the moment. I had to have a talk with my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago about how I felt like I was being put kind of on the back burner. Well, I am still feeling that way, so I brought it up again last night. He doesn't really understand why I'm feeling that way. Well, right now he's just starting a business here in town, it's taking a lot of his time to get it on the right track. It was run by a complete moron before, and so they changed the name and all and he's going into it 50/50 with another guy. He's been working a lot out there trying to get everything organized and don't get me wrong, I understand that. But at the same time, I've been dealing with so much lately that when I have needed to talk, he's not here. Or when he is here, he's tired. Things are lacking in all departments, & i'm not sure how I feel about it all. I manage to make time for him, I feel like he should be able to do the same. Today he told me that he didn't know what to say about it, just that he was sorry I felt that way. And that he doesn't love me any less, just that he's trying to do everything the right way so he doesn't miss out on the opportunity. Am I stupid for feeling neglected? I sit here by myself so much. My friends here, aren't real friends. They're the type that calls me when they have a problem, and can't be found when I need somebody. Same goes with my family, it's all about what I can do to benefit them. And I'm really tired of feeling like this. I feel like I don't have anybody :(

Indifferent.

I should be going to sleep soon, and I will. I just have alot of things on my mind tonight. A lot of things that I wish I didn't have to think about or feel. I try to make sense of life & things going on around me but sometimes, I just can't. Sometimes I feel like I put so much focus on being strong that I end up being so weak. With everything that's been going on lately, I need an outlet. But I've yet to find anything that really makes me feel any different or any better. Kind of like I'm shouting out to the world that I'm hurting, but all I hear is an empty echo. When I need to talk, nobody's around. And when I have the opportunity to get it out, I can't find the words. I have things that I *should* be excited for, but I don't feel anything. I'm moving into my own place friday, everyone is asking if I'm getting excited yet, and I should be, but I'm not. It's like I don't even really care. I should be proud of myself for paying my way through school, but all I can think of are the things I'm not doing. I can't find my way out of these feelings lately.

Not sure how to cope.

I decided to go & see my mom at the jail today. It makes me happy that I at least get to see her, but it makes me sad when she's sad. She's been on a lot of anti-depressants & anti-anxiety drugs for about 13 years. There's one of her anxiety medicines that the jail won't give to her, they said it's 'addictive.' Okay... most drugs like that *are* addictive, but her doctor prescribed it to her, so what right do they have to not let her have it? She told me today she feels like she's going crazy. It's been a month and 10 days that she's been in there. I just don't see how they can deny her of her medicine. It makes me angry, too. Because I see that she's having a hard time dealing with everything right now, and there's not really anything I can do about it. She doesn't know when they're going to do her psychiatric evaluation, she doesn't know when her trial is going to be. Not knowing is driving her crazy, she's just sitting and waiting with no idea about what's going to happen. And it hurts me, because it hurts her. I hate feeling helpless about anything, especially when one of my family members needs help.

The card above is one that I bought to send her. I figured it would make her feel a little bit better at least, or at least make her smile. It's from http://www.kittykatkards.etsy.com Very beautiful card, I just got it today. :)

Anyways, thanks for listening. Sometimes i just need to get things off my chest so I can breathe a little easier.

-Holly

I've been practicing crochet..

I've been wanting to learn crochet for SO long!! So I finally bought some yarn, and a few different sizes of hooks, and I've been learning! Youtube has been great in helping me learn single & double crochet. My biggest problem is trying to keep the stiches loose! and sometimes it seems like my yarn wants to unravel a little bit. Anyhoo, here are some pictures of what i've been doing - double crochet! :)

On a happier note..

My boyfriend & I went to Mammoth Cave near Bowling Green, Ky on sunday. We hiked the New Entrance tour, it was beautiful! Just thought I'd share these pictures with you.

So ready to MOVE!!!

Oh boy, yesterday was a doozie. I came home from running errands, and all of that good stuff around 4 o' clock. Only to find out that the power was cut off. My dad & the landlord aren't on the best of terms, so I assumed she called and had it cut off. My boyfriend came over & we tried to figure out what we'd do for the night. So I called my dad, and he got ahold of the electric company. They charge $75 to turn the power on after hours. He told them to go ahead and come out here, so my boyfriend and I waited on the porch for them to show up.

Once they got here, we found out what really happened. The electrician tells me that the meter was never turned off, and told us to check the breaker. It's in a utility room attached to the back of the house. That's when we saw the main disconnect had been pulled out!!! At that point, I'm furious. I knew the landlord came over here and did that, and she was the last person I wanted to see at that point. So the electrician leaves..

And guess who shows up then? Yes, the landlord. My boyfriend answered the door and she asked for me to come outside.

Landlord: Do you know why your power is shut off?

Me: No, I don't.

Landlord: Your daddy owes me $550 (rent, it's only 4 days late)

Me: Okay, I didn't know that.

Landlord: You didn't know?

Me: No, he didn't tell me that, he doesn't fill me in.

Landlord: Well you all need to find somewhere else to go.

Me: I'm moving out in 11 days.

Landlord: And you'll do without power for 11 days, too.

At this point, I was ready to slap the bitch. But i just said "I've got to get away from you." and I walked back into the house. My hands were shaking, I wanted to hit her *so* bad. She came over here with an attitude, and I don't appreciate her going into our building, that had little "lock" on it.

At that point, my boyfriend stayed out there and talked to her. It went something like this..

Boyfriend: You're not doing anything but hurting her. She was working fulltime, she works her ass off to take care of herself. She's getting ready to leave here.

Landlord: Well if she's working fulltime why can't she pay it herself?

Boyfriend: Because she's paying to put herself through school, that's why.

Landlord: If I was strong enough I would have cut the water off, too.

Boyfriend: I work with alot of real estate, and you cannot do that. Legally, you cannot come in and pull the fuses out like that. It has to be done legally, and you have to give them some type of notice.

Landlord: And who are you?

Boyfriend: I'm her boyfriend.

Landlord : Well she needs to get her shit out of here.

Boyfriend: She is as soon as she can.

Landlord: and her dad needs to get all these pieces of shit out of here, too. (referring to his cars)

I'm not sure what all was said, basically he put her in her place and let her know that she can't do things the way she's doing them. She got mad because she knew he was right, and she left. So then we called the police. They came over and talked to us, told us what we needed to do and everything. I had just bought groceries that were going bad in the fridge, etc.

So today me & my dad went and found a part to replace what she took, was only $25 and now I have power! We put a lock on the utility room, on the fence for the backyard, and there is also a no trespassing sign up. So if she comes and takes that one out, that we bought with our own money, not only is it breaking & entering, but it's theft.

The police officer also told us that we can settle this in civil court, he said we have a good case. So my dad & I will probably go and talk to the district attorney in the morning. I saved receipts from where I had to eat out because I didn't have power to make anything, and I have my grocery receipts, too. And if she comes back tonight, or any night that I'm here for the next 10 days until I move, I'm answering the door with my tazer in hand. I'll see how much she wants to get in my face and talk to me like i'm trash then. She was in the wrong in all of this, and it's gonna be taken care of.

Pasta Pizza Recipe

I had the best dinner tonight, pasta pizza! A very quick & easy recipe, so I decided to share! There weren't any leftovers from this!

You will need:

5 oz. dried rotini (2 cups)

1 beaten egg

1/4 cup milk

2 tablespoons grated parmesan cheese

8 oz. ground beef

1 1/2 cups chunky garden-style pasta sauce

1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

1. Cook rotini as directed on the package. Drain well.

2. For pasta crust, in a large bowl combine beaten egg, milk, and parmesan cheese. Stir in drained rotini. Spread mixture evenly in a greased 12 inch pizza pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

3. Meanwhile, cook ground beef until brown. Drain. Stir in pasta sauce. Spoon mixture over baked rotini crust, sprinkle with mozzarella cheese. You can also sprinkle pepperoni, sweet pepper, olives, etc over the top along with the cheese.

4. Bake at 350 for 10 to 12 more minutes, until heated thoroughly and the cheese is melted. To serve, cut into wedges.

Enjoy!!

-Holly

In high hopes.

I'm finally starting to feel a little happier lately. I was able to talk to my mom last night for about 15 minutes, and also got a letter from her in the mail today. It seems as though things are looking up a little bit. I went to her court date yesterday, and they decided that her trial is going to go to the Grand Jury. Right now she's waiting to be endited by them, and she's also waiting to find out when she's having her psychiatric evaluation done. I think she said it could be a month or two before she gets to leave, but they're going to keep her at a mental health institution while the evaluation is going on, for 30 days or so. That might sound like bad news to some, but it makes me a little relieved. Having the evalution should help her case out, and I also think she needs it. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that she wakes up through all of this and gets help. I'm sure they'll put her in some kind or rehab or program once it's all over with. Right now, it's just a matter of waiting.

She wrote my brother & sister asking them to help out some with the financial part of it, as far as in taking her money and all of that. So hopefully things in that department will improve, too. Not having a job & being the one who does the majority of it is a little messed up to me, but oh well. I'll continue to do what I can to help her, because she's still my mom and I still love her regardless of all of this. I know she's not a bad person and that she just has issues that need to be taken care of. You don't write somebody off because they have problems, you try to help them and be there for support. That's my opinion, anyway.

So my blog will be leaning more towards the personal side, and I'm going to try and write in here when I need to. I can't let it all build up inside of me, I've learned that lesson before. Thanks for listening..

-Holly